A fly sits on the wall above a microwave in a break room of an office building in Baltimore, Maryland.
Person 1: Is there no coffee here?
Person 2: New here, huh?
1: Yeah, just started last week.
2: Remember anything from the orientation?
1: Ha! We have been working non-stop. I haven’t had time to think of anything. Just our alcohol campaign.
2: Oh, right… how is that going?
1: Easy as pie. Put the phrase “scientific study” in front of anything and people will eat it up.
2: I can’t believe the same process we used with coffee is going to work with alcohol.
1: You did diabetes with coffee?
2: Yes sir. We started with coffee lowers the chance of diabetes, heart disease, and such. Then went to two or three cups a day will make you live longer. As you say, people ate it up.
1: That’s why there’s no coffee, huh?
2: It’s an inflammatory. By itself the average person will probably be alright, but remember that we are being sprayed with endocrine disruptors. You’re taking your vitamins right?
1: Yes… orientation? The vitamins are more than vitamins?
2: Yes. They counter the endocrine disruptors, but coupled with caffeine, they have a tendency to make people a bit hostile.
1: Right! The police problem.
2: Yes. We give the police the countermeasure, but they are all loaded up on Starbucks and Five-Hour Energy.
1: So, how do we get the police to stop drinking coffee?
2: We don’t. We can live with a little police violence. It is actually a very small percentage of people who lose control, but enough to get noticed. Fortunately, it is too complicated for anyone to put all together. Nonetheless, that is why we do not drink caffeine.
1: Great… I am going to pass out.
2: There is a nap room.
2: Try some ginseng. That is a good alternative.
1: Why even bother with any of this?
2: That is the part that wasn’t in the orientation. Our people have been trying to control people’s minds for decades.
2: Exactly. But what was learned back then, was that it is far too difficult to control people’s minds… it is much easier to simply influence their perception. We started spraying them with a drug that makes them passive*, but our economy started to suffer. So we loaded them up on caffeine, but they tend to lose focus. Some started noticing the spraying. So, we convinced those who noticed that it was all climate related.
1: Is the alcohol to keep them focused?
2: No, anger and frustration keep them focused. President Trump’s tweets to give fuel to the fire,and the media pundits to manage the debate to control perception. Alcohol is to get them to sleep at night. We are starting to see problems with that.
1: Ahhh! That makes sense. I couldn’t figure out why we were trying to get people to get drunk every night.
2: Especially by telling them that drinking more sugar will protect them from diabetes.
1: Right, alcohol is a sugar. Crazy huh? Next step is live longer, but you knew that.
2: Yup. Same as coffee.
1: How long must this be maintained? I am thinking in terms of career planning.
2: Well… from what I understand, this is all to keep people calm while we shift from one form of government to another. According to the plan, once the new government is set up and established we will stop this. But, seeing how well it works and how easy it is, I am sure there will always be a new excuse to keep it going.
1: Excellent. We just bought a new house.
2: Congratulations. We like motivated employees.